Patiently Waiting: who am I?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

who am I?

I remember the first time I introduced myself as "Nathan's mom" vs. a wife, student, social worker, etc. It actually took me by surprise because it felt so forgien. Now, a year later, I feel a little more confident in my title as Nathan's mom, although there is a part of me that still seems to be missing; who am I? Perhaps I should be asking the question: who do I want to be? There are moments and stages in our lives where our 'title' changes, and this will continue to be. So who am I now, who do I want to be?
This second question is what has been weighing on me the most recently. Right now I am a stay-at-home-mom, a treasure that not all mothers, or parents for that matter, have the opportunity to be. So why can't I find joy in that? Don't get me wrong...I love the time I have with my son; I enjoy being the one to see all his 'firsts' and to teach him new thing, to sing, read, and dance with him. But there seems to be something missing for me. There are days, moments really, that I want to venture back into the workforce. I get excited when I find a job posting of a position I am qualified for. I complete the application or send in my resume and wait. But then I wonder, am I really ready? Do I really want to go back? Do I really want to miss those mornings dancing with my son, playing silly games, reading books, and seeing all his firsts? I don't know.
Some days I think it is pure selfishness: here I am blessed to be a mother, blessed to be able to stay home, and I am seeking ways to get out of the house. Peace, that is what I need to seek, peace with what i am given. Patiece to allow God's work in my life to prevail.

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Patience

When I was growing up, God always seemed to find ways in which He was trying to teach me patience. Just when I think I had mastered the virtue I toppled down hill back to wondering, "I thought I'd figured out patience a long time ago." I guess not, because patience is something that I long to have, yet always seem to be striving for. I think it's His way of making sure I don't forget Him, pretty good strategy if you ask me.

Patience continues to be a virture I strive towards, ultimately knowing I will never fully attain it, but that I will be exposed to pieces of it. My patience continues to be tested, more specifically over the past year or so, wondering, praying, when is it my turn, will it ever be my turn to be a parent. Most recently I struggled with this question. On October 21, 2009 I was flying to Spokane to spend time with my family when I journaled about my wanting to be a parent and trying to avoid the idea that my time is not always His timing. After just over a year of trying to conceive, patience seems to become blinded by frustration, saddness and even a little anger. I expressed these feeling in my journal, yet still found the voice inside of me to be patient. The next morning after dropping my nephew off at daycare, my patience was rewarded. Not just one, but two pregnancy tests came back with a + sign. I was ellated, and thosands of miles and an entire week away from my husband.

I like to express myself through writing and words so I've decided to write my thoughts down and share them with other. This blog is primarily for me, to share my journey through pregnancy, that I ohh so patiently waited and prayed for.