Where's My Paycheck...?

Going from working full time (usually more than 40 hours a week) to a full time mom has certainly had it's challenges, to say the least. Actually, I am scheduled to return to work (though just 2 days a week) the first week of November and of course that brings on a mix of emotions.
I recall back when I was in high school/college and began nannying part time for a family with one small child, both parents worked full time. The second child arrived soon thereafter. The mom took little time off work and returned back to her full work schedule while the baby was still so little. I couldn't imagine this and questioned why one would do this, certainly because I knew her husband had a very lucrative job; so I had a conversation about it. It was explained to me that she was a very independent woman and wanted to be able to assure herself that she could maintain herself and her family financially if something were to happen to her husband. At the time I didn't understand this concept, thinking a marriage is not two people working individually but two people who in essance have become one. So why was she working. Although I don't fully understand her entire rational, I have a better understanding of why.
I too am in a position where I could stay home full time (which I have done now for three months), so why am I choosing at four months to return to work, even if it means only part time? I think there are a few different reasons:
1. I have that independent nature about me and I think to myself; I worked hard to get where I am at and it makes me feel good to do the work that I do.
2. A little "adult conversation" would probably do me some good.
3. I want to contiue to further my career that I am passionate about.
4. Plus, there is this small voice in my head asking about my paycheck; what am I contributing finacially to my family.
So perhaps these are silly reasons, but they are mine, for now. Don't get me wrong, as exhausting as it has been being a stay at home mom, I have loved it. I love each moment that I get with my son. I don't want to miss our "breakfast conversations" and I don't want to miss his toothless grin he gives me just after he's finished eating. Those things alone are enough to keep me motivated to stay home, but there is something else, something inside seems to be yearning for something and I am betting that it's that gosh darn independent streak of mine!
Being home is so rewarding, yet exhausting. I now understand why my own mother never really "sits down" simply to relax...there is no such thing! I have found that there is always something to do. Not that there are really any new household chores (other than perhaps a few extra loads of laundry) than before I had my son, and they were completed when I was working full time; but there is something about putting them off until he goes to bed. Yeah, sure, I vacuum and dust occassionally during the day, usually during nap time. And I have managed to keep my house relatively in order (at least I think I meet the minimal standards), but why does it seem as though there is always more...? As much as I told myself I don't need to be "supermom," I think that is what I am becoming. For three weeks in a row (I know not a real long time), I have managed to, of course take care of my son, keep my house clean, and actually have dinner nearly completed all before my husband arrives home from work. The dinner thing has always been my weakness (even before a child), but I have come to realize that the hour between the time my husband gets home and we start bathing and putting my son to bed, it is a small amount of time that I can at least hand the baby over so they can play (gone are the days I think of waiting until my husband comes home to make dinner for me because I am so exhausted). My son is definitely turning into a "momma's boy" (which makes sense since we are home all day long together, even weekends are often just the two of us) but it makes me a little sad, I think my husband might be feeling it too. When he tries to give our son a bath, there is a lot of crying. I am not sure if I should intervene or not, but it is so hard to hear him cry. So my point is, if I can have dinner ready, I will so they can have more "bonding time."
Through all of this I am learning to count my blessings. My husband is grateful, is a good provider, and he is good about letting me know he is appreciative of me. But I cannot help but feeling a little guilty that I am not contributing at all to our family (financially that is). Yes, I know I am contributing, and do quite a bit, but it still feels like something is missing. For example, a couple of weeks ago we went shopping so that I could buy some jeans (I am tired of wearing elastic wasted clothes and have nothing that I previously wore that fits). Our shopping trip was successful and I came out with four new pairs of pants (yes, I can finally feel good about myself again and wear some real clothes!). Then just yesterday I ventured back to the store; I figured it was time to retire the "granny panties" that I wore throughout my pregnancy. Not that I am a big spender, nor am I a big shopper, but it almost felt odd that I was back at the store buying more clothings items for me...and with what finances? I know, I know, I am married and our monies are not separated. In fact my husband dislikes it whenever I bring up money issues suggesting that he makes all the money, or that he makes more than me with less schooling, etc. But I just cannot help but feeling my lack of financial contribution. I wonder how I shake this? Going back to work part time I know isn't the answer, in fact my main purposes of returning are really moreso for a little "sanity" and to contiue furthering my career (I am tyring to collect hours to become licenced; but that is another story) not for financial gain (my paycheck will perhaps cover daycare costs).
So I am wondering; are there other means? Do I need to retrain my thinking? How do I shake this independent nature that I developed over time? And how do I get a pay check for all the hard work I do at home? If any one can figure out how the government can start paying stay at home moms for their contributions to well rounded children and families, let me know.

The joys and pains of feedings...

Oh the highs and lows of feedings! For two months I breastfed exclusively.
No one tells you just how isolating breastfeeding is until you are in it. You are the only one who can feed and satisfy your baby. When baby cries, you are most likely the only one who can console him by feeding him. Feedings can take place anywhere in your home, but once company comes over you tend to cover yourself or hide away in the back room. Feedings in public are so akward that it's hard to calm down enough for baby to even get comfortable enough to get any milk. Yet at the same time, I wouldn't have chosen any other way. I am the only one who can feed and satisfy my baby, and this is an honor. There is an interdepedance that takes place; baby NEEDS momma and momma NEEDS baby. On occassion my little guy will look up and give me the best smile. Each momemt I get with him are treasured and precious. I can feed my baby in public, anywhere, and don't have to worry about bottles and whether or not I brought enough milk with us.
As much as I had grown this love-hate relationship with breastfeeding, I thought at some point we do need to learn to eat from a bottle (momma will be going back to work some day), plus if we can eat from a bottle, maybe daddy can help out a little more with those evening or weekend feedings so momma can get a break. So a few weeks ago we tried it; I was ready to hand over some of the responsibility. Daddy was ready too, to help out and feed his son. But baby was not ready...he cried so hard and refused to take the bottle (which was pumped breast milk) that I had to pick him up and put him back on the breast to feed him. As I sat there feeding my son, a sense of relief passed over me, not one that I thought would have. Wow, this child REALLY needs me...I want to be able to provide for him. But a second thought followed; wow, I am stuck, it looks as though there is no "mommy alone time" in the near future, yikes! So we tried it the next day and he sucked down that milk in seconds flat! Baby was happy, daddy was happy, and well, momma....not so sure. For a momemt I realized this child no longer NEEDS me, someone else can feed him. It actually took me a few days to be okay with this. For wanting help for so long, all of a sudden I didn't want help anymore! This means that our total dependance on one another is no longer.
Needless to say, a bottle was successful, but the amount of pumped milk it takes for one bottle is not worth the "nightly" feedings I had once imagined. Besides, I am okay with those nightly feedings now...becasue I know that one day they will be gone, and one day someone else can "help" feed my baby, I will no longer be "needed." Plus, the little smiles, giggles, and looks I get, make it all worth it!

I am a MOM...

When I first found out I was pregnant was when I first began thinking (or so I thought) like a mom, but it wasn't until my little one was born that I really became a mom. I attended a Mom's Group in town yesterday and as we were doing introductions it occurred to me that my "title" has changed. I might still be a daughter, sister, wife, friend, co-worker, etc. but I am a mom first and foremost. Although this concept excites me...it's is a little scary as well. My identity has changed, people don't care "what I do" or "where I've been" or "what I've accomplished" anymore, they all want to meet me as mom and meet my son and know about him and how mommy-hood is treating me. It has only been 7 weeks of mommy-hood, although it already feels as though this little guy has been mine forever. The past 7 weeks have been exhausting and rewarding all at the same time, and there are many things that I am discovering about what it means to be a MOM:
* when a baby is born, so too are a mom's multi-senses (extra eyes and super sensitive ears)
* tiring and sometimes exhausting
* emotional (never cried so much so frequent)
* rewarding
* baby smiles can make the entire day perfect
* breastfeeding is isolating
* you never thought you could love someone so much
* you're no longer independant because you are sustaing life for someone else
* breastfeeding is miraculous
* whatever dad puts him in to wear to bed...that's okay
* I have never stared at someone or something for so long
* baby's nap time equals one of 3 things for mom - 1. nap, 2. eat, 3. shower
* it's okay not to shower every day
* showers really can take only 5 minutes
* baby smells are wonderful
* baby milk breath...sour
* my child is perfect
* I am not the perfect mom
* sometimes I wish I didn't know ALL the child development stuff I know
* silly songs come out of no where
* going to the grocery store and vacuuming the house don't feel like "chores" but feel like accomplishments
* sleep is hard to come by
* daddy sleeping while holding sleeping baby is precious
* baby crying hurts sometimes
* sometimes baby won't let me put him down
* sometimes I just want to hold and cuddle my little one all day
* never thought the hum of a vacuum or the sound of a humidifier would calm a baby
* never under estimate the effects of swaddling
* sleep...what's that
* my four-legged dog really did get pushed to the back burner
* eskimo kisses
* baby poop is a wonder
* don't forget to cover a little boy when changing a diaper...you're bound to get sprayed
* recovery from birth takes how long...?
* it's a miracle that this little one is 50%, 50% my husband, and 100% himself
* baby smiles are the best!

My Own Story

As I have written before, everyone has their own labor and delivery story; and here is mine and my son's:
The final weeks of being pregnant became a little daunting, not because I was extremely uncomfortable (I was a little uncomfortable), but because I was anticipating being able to meet my new little one. A few weeks prior, I crossed over from being anxious and nervous about delivery to more excitment and anticipation. I knew that labor was inevitable, so was determined to look past what was coming and look forward to holding a new baby, my baby.
My parents were scheduled to arrived in town Saturday afternoon, but were actually in the state by Thursday evening. Their plan was to see me Saturday as pregnant as ever and then I could have this baby. My plan was not to wait any longer whether my parents were here or not. Well, our little one decided to listen more so to grammy than his mother (I hope this doesn't mean it will be like this all the time). We picked my parents up around 3:00 in the afternoon where they dropped their rental car. They were excited to see us, especially to see my really pregnant belly. We arrived back at the house and let my parents settle in, took a few pictures, and sat around and chatted about what our plans would be for the weekend. Not having prepared dinner we dicussed where to go out for dinner; Mexican it was! Around 6:00 p.m. I began feeling contractions, these contractions were different than the ones I'd been feeling for weeks, these ones were lower in my abdomen. I secretly wondered if they were the "real thing" but was afraid to voice my thoughts as if I said it out loud, it would not be true. After a few rounds of contractions both my husband and my mother caught on and asked if perhaps we should stay home for dinner. i declined the offer as I was determined not to sit around and wait for this baby, besides what if they weren't real. So a large Mexican meal I ate (if you know anything about delivery, the last thing you want to do is have a very full belly!). During the meal I progressively became uncomfortable and I my mother secretly began timing my wincing facial muscles. We joked at dinner about the reality of baby coming within the next 24 hours. Once we got home, rather than sitting and staring at one another in anticipation, we went for a long walk. I was walking to try to move baby, my husband and parents were walking simply to support my efforts. We played a game on our walk, to see how many contactions I could have in one block. There were pleanty.
By 9:00 that night it was pretty clear this was the real deal, the contractions were much more intense and much closer together. I was determined to get some rest so attempted to go to bed around 10:00. Laying in bed did not last long as it was so uncomfortable. After moving into several different positions around my bedroom, becoming jealous of my sleeping husband I decided to go out to the kitchen area. I knew my mom wasn't sleeping as she was so excited. I labored for a short bit in the kitchen area, my mom my support, timing my contractions, before she was certain I should be on my way to the hospital. I called the on-call doctor and sure enough we were told to get up to the hospital (a half hour drive). My anticipation at this point gradually turned into a little fear; oh my gosh, this is the real deal, and this is really painful!"
Two possible routes to the hospital, one construction, the other the Hwy. We figured the highway would be easiest. As we pull up to the intersection to get on the on-ramp both my husband and I shared a few curse words as our eyes focused on the red tail lights, backed up for miles. Neither of us had ever seen the highway at a complete stand still. Irritated, in a lot of pain, and determined to get to the hospital quickly, my husband flipped the car around, back tracked, then drove the construction route. Fortunately, no one was working on a Saturday night and there was no traffic, we made it!
We checked into the hospital and I was dialated to a 4! Yes, a 4 is way better than a 1, 2 or 3. We spent about 45 minutes in the registration room and they checked me again before moving up to a labor and delivery room. Dialated to a 6...wow in just 45 minutes, this baby is coming fast!
Once we got into our room the nurse brought in the anesthesiologist to prep me for the epidural. Anticipation and pain grew, so I was ready for an epidural. Well, let's just say, thought I was ready. Needles don't really scare me, so I wasn't too worried, I was just looking forward to a little relief...but full relief I did not get! Let's just say the experience of getting the epidural was not a pleasant one. There is nothing like a nurse holding you down in a crouched position while the doctor is pin pricking your back and both are repeatedly saying "don't move, just don't move." How can I bloody not move when I feel a contraction coming on, and wait, you just hit a nerve and now I have shooting pain down my right leg! Needless to say, the epidural was administered, only to work on the right half of my body! I'll spare you the details, other than two things; one, I felt half the contractions on my left side the whole time, and two, if the anesthesigiologist says something won't work, try try again! My only relief came when my wonderful husband suggested they turn me on my left side to hopefully utilize gravity to get some of the medication to my left side. He is a miracle worker!
Well, as predicted, the epidural slowed down my contractions to the point my husband got a goo nap in and I lay there in a dark room in anticipation. In the morning my parents arrived at the hospital. They joined me in my room and gave my husband a break to run and go grab some breakfast. Good thing he wasn't gone long. He got back to the room as I was beginning to feel some pressure. My parents left and the nurse decided to check me. Sure enough, she said it was time to push! The words I'd been waiting all night, all nine months to hear. So push I did and about an hour and 15 minutes later our son arrived.

This was an amazing feeling, so sureal and miraculous. It was amazing. We were in awe and in love immediately. The nurses were great and left the three of us alone to "bond" for nearly two hours before we decided it would be nice to get him weighed and measured!
Would I do it again...for the prize at the end, of course. Would I get another epidural...I initially hesitate, although hands down would have an epidural again. There is nothing like being about "rest" between pushes, and being able to talk with my husband and nurse and focus thoughout the whole thing. I just hope that next time the epidural will work on both halfs of my body! :)

Where's My...

Last week I lost my belly button. You know how people remark about pregnant lady's belly buttons "popping out" and referring to it like a turkey timer, when it pops it's done. Well what does it mean if your belly button never pops out, it just simply disappears? This is what has happened to me. I went to take a q-tip the other day to give my belly button a little clean...well, there is no room for the q-tip. My belly has stretched enough to leave a little dot in the center, but no whole. I never knew one could strech so much! Here's the funny...now that I go see my doctor every week, I've had to get over the shock of standing on the scale to weigh the damage. Although this last week, I was quite surprised, there has been no weight gain in the past week. This is great, right?! Wrong. Well, sort of good. My doctor says this is actually good, said at this point the less weight I continue to put on the less I have to work hard at trying to lose in the end. The bad...I swear I continue to grow, outward that is. I am talking 1-2 inches in diameter a week. So in my eyes: no weight gain + surplus of inches around the belly = this is going to be a big baby! Now this is not what my doctor says (I will ask him this week) but only what I suspect, which is actually a little scary. This whole time I took pride in thinking, wow, I think I am a bit smaller than most people at this stage, this baby migh be small or normal sized, making delivery no SO bad. But no, now I am beginning to anticipate a large baby, which in essence means a large head, which really means......well, we all know what that means. :)
Really, the sooner this little one comes the better. I am ready, I am ready for a normal birth weight and I am ready to rediscover my belly button. But I am anticipating a late birth. We'll see.
Speaking of disappearing, my belly button is not the only thing that seems to have disappeared lately. Last night I looked down at my feet before going to bed only to find that my feet are no longer. What sits at the bottom of my legs are not my feet but something else, definitely not my ankles (because those seem to have disapeared as well). Little sausages or marshmallows that make up little toes it really all I see. I've heard about kankles and swollen feet before, but seriously!?! So tonight I am vowing to drink lots of water, not eat any salt, elevate my feet, and somehow convince this child the "outside world" is much more eventful than inside the womb so they'd better hurry up and arrive!

And the Count Down Begins...

Okay, so according to the "due date," which we all know is just a guesstimate, this baby is scehduled to arrived in about 4 1/2 weeks. So really...baby could arrive any day he/she wishes. This momma is wishing sooner than later would be a great birth day! Honestly, I am trying to take these last few weeks in strides. There are days I am most certain that I could not be more ready, and there are days where I think, "oh my gosh I'm gonna be a mom...any day!" So the count down has begun...when will it be...? Not sure what else I could do to get ready: the baby's room is done (minues me wanting to draw and frame one more piece of art work), the car seat base is strapped in the car and ready to do, the clothes and blankets are washed (all except the actual outfits for baby I want at the hospital), my bag is not quite packed but there are miscallaneous items on top of my dresser ready to be thrown into a bag, the dog is as ready for a big shock as you ccan ever prepare him, and my husband is...we'll he is excited and nervous too. "Wow, I'm gonna be a dad soon," seems to seep from his lips every couple of days. I think it's great. He will be one of the best daddy's there is, I have no doubt in my mind.
So as this baby's birth day is soon approaching, there are some wonderful features that all mother's seem to have failed to share, rather they just clump them all in one category, "the last month." Know one ever told me my goin/pelic area would be so sore. Here I am a month out and I slowly roll myself out of bed in the morning to discover I must have been hit by a truck in my sleep, or was at least riding a horse for days. Where is the heads up ladies...I am sore! Not to mention the feeling of inadequacy, or the ability to do nothing! I try. I have a hard time sitting still and there are things that need to get done. I am learning to move slowly and in strides, and to sit and take breaks now and again, but really, where has my energy gone? where are the muscles I once had?! I am pretty certain that I strained a muscle in my upper back making the bed the other day...no joke!
I keep reading about how the baby tends to "drop" before labor, and in a first time mom this coupld occur weeks or days before labor. Well, most days, I am wishing this baby would settle down just a little bit further into my pelvis. I know that downfall is spending every 1/2 hour to and hour in the bathroom (which really isn't much different than what I am doing now), but I anticipate the ability to finally be able to breath, or at least sit straight up. Wow, what a thought! Doctor says this baby is in good position; head down, back going up my right front, leading to the butt sitting right under my right rib cage...boy does this feel great...all day long.
Oh but I am not complaining. Soon the days of sitting at my desk taking quick glances at my belly will be gone. Or sitting on the couch with my shirt pulled up, watching the waves travel accross my belly. Or driving in my car to look down and see that my belly is all lop-sided from time to time. These, I will miss. I will miss wrapping my arms accross my belly at night as I fall asleep feeling this little one inside me, adjusting to a comfortable position. But I cannot wait to actually hold this litte one on the outside in my arms and look into the tiny face and know that this little one is special, this little one is a child of God, this little one is a little piece of me and a little piece of my husband molded together perfectly. Wow, I cannot wait for this little miracle to arrive.

Maternity Clothes are Overrated...

...I want my sweats or yoga pants! I remember slipping on a pair of maternity pants for the first time towards the end of my first trimester. Ahh, they felt so good, I swore I would wear them beyond pregnancy. Why not? Who doesn't want to wear a cute pair of jean with no snaps or buttons?! Well, I've come to the decision that when this pregnancy is over, I will retire the maternity pants for the time being (I may still hold on to the tops). The end of the first trimester, and throughout the second trimester, maternity pants are great. But now that I am nearly in the last two months of pregnancy, all I want to wear is a pair os sweat pants or my favorite yoga capris. I am done with the thick 3in. elastic band around my waste that after sitting for awhile simply feels like it is adding so much more pressure to my abdomen (I don't need any more pressure). Plus, the wonderful stretch elastic that covers your whole belly...their convenient for hiding any exposed butt crack, but between that and an tank top (to help cover the ladies a little more in the work place) I get so over heated I end up wearing the elestaic around my waist anyway. Hmmm, I wonder what my boss would say if I alternated two pants everyday, one day sweats, one day yoga capris. Ahh, that sounds so welcoming!

Child Birth Class...Check: Freaking My Husband Out...Double Check!

Today we finished our child birthing class. I will have to admit, a weekend full (two very full days) of child birth, labor, pain, breathing, etc. made for a long weekend, but I think it benefited us in the end. The debate about going to a class started several weeks ago. I debated about going wondering' will this be helpful or a waste of time? Ultimately I felt we needed to go, if anything to ease a little anxiety of mine and to help educated my non-baby book reading husband. He debated about going strictly because all his buddies told him it was a waste of time. But he is a wonderful and supportive husband that gave up his weekend to sit and watch lots and lots of videos!
So the big question; was taking the child birth class really that beneficial...?
I would say yes...if anything else, it was worth seeing my husband's face and hearing a few choice words come from his mouth as we watch a live birth :)
Honestly though, I think it was nice to be able to go. The class helped ease some of my anxieties (may have produced a few more in my husband) and answered some of my questions that I had brewing. Yes, the first day was a littel intense withteh veiwing of the live birth and the lengthly discussion of the PAIN of child birth. Yet at the same time, it was presented so well, and I think I am ready for this whole labor thing...well, ask me in a couple of months. The first day also ended with a good hour of relaxation and massage. I sure am glad we took the course in one weekend, I would have hated to go home at night after a long discussion of labor, with no massage. Today forcused a little on medications and a lot on once baby arrives and the importance of breast feeding. I liked this, the focus shouldn't be on medications (which I am so not apposed to using), and should be on the health of the baby and the attachment that occurs just as soon as the baby is born. I am big on attachment so this was so great to hear. I just hope others in the class really take into account the importance of attachment. I don't want to see any of their babies come through my office.
Most importantly, the class reminded more and more of how awesome our God is! He created us, and created us to function perfectly, down to every last reflex that we're born with. So amazing.
Now I feel even more ready to meet this little one!

Childcare Woes...

I have purposely been putting off seeking the right childcare center. Actually, I haven't totally been putting it off, I have looked up locations, and a few weeks ago had actually called one place. It is on my list of things to do and I know I'd much rather do this while I have the energy, but it is also something I am dreading a slight bit. So today I called a few places to get some more info. Then I figured on my lunch break I'd go check the first place out, I was impressed a few weeks agon over the phone. They may be a little pricey, but the price you pay for child care ultimately shouldn't matter (at least that's what I think). I met with a few people, got more information, a registartion packet, a quick tour around the infant room, and even met three of the infant care takers. Everything was a positive experience. I was impressed by the cleanliness, the staff, and their philosophies behind child care (most particularly, infant care), but as I was nearing the door to leave I suddenly felt a wave of emotion come over me. My eyes started watering before I even got to my car! Never did the tears come, but the emotions were all there. Wow, and I haven't even had this baby yet! I can only imagine what that first day will be like when I drop them off...


I cannot complain though, this is not something I am forced in to. I have a very supportive husband who pretty much says it is up to me (about working versus not working), plus I have a job who is willing to be more than flexible (who else can work mostly from home with the exception of 2 days in the office?). But am I ready? What is the best choice? For baby? For me? For my husband (I have to think of him here too, because I will care emotions home which ever way I choose).


What it really comes down to...I'm scared. I'm scared of staying home 24/7 with a child. Those 2 days in the office could be my saving grace. But perhaps they might also be miserable. I am blessed to have options, other people don't always get to choose. I suppose either choice will be a good choice, as long as I continue to give it up to the Lord. Ahh...free will...hate it / love it!

flutters...kicks...summersaults...

I have come to realize one of the best feelings in the work is feeling your baby move inside your tummy. It's been a couple months now since I felt the first movements. I try to be aware of each and every new feeling my body experiences so I was lucky to be able to identify movements early on. Certainly in the beginning it was sort of a guessing game; is that...I think that's...Then one day it was so clear, I was excited and quickly got on the phone with my husband, mother and sister to report the new of the official "for certain" movement. Work during the day turned in to my consentrating less on the task at hand but became moments of silence with my hands on my belly feeling continuous fluttering. From the fluttering came the kicking, and boy does this baby like to kick. It took some time before my husband was able to feel anything from the outside. He may have felt them earlier but the patience of keeping his hand on my belly in an awkward position took some coaxing. He's gotten the idea and now our routine of going to bed and laying hand on belly is becoming ritual, because that is when the most movement seems to occur.
The other day I swear this little one was doing summersaults in there or running a marathon, I couldn't fully distinguish between the two. It was an amazing feeling and made me laugh out loud at the commotion inside my belly. As I enter my third trimester I know the movements will only become more distinct and this little one conitnues to grow and the room inside starts to shrink up. As we prepare ourselves, our puppy and our home for this little one to come join us, I often wonder what it will be like without all this movement inside...is this something I will miss becasue it has been such a joy?...or will it just become another memory in this journey of parenthood?

Tears of....nothing!

I think the emotions have finally hit me. The hormonal changes in my body have finally caught up with my tear ducts, and boy did they flow yesterday. I have to say though, having hit 26 weeks this past Friday, I can honestly report this is my first major emotional outburst. Pretty good I think. I can smile about it this morning, but yesterday, there were no smiles...well, one from my husband, but that only heightened the tears.
So why yesterday? I really am not sure. There were a couple of things that borthered me throughout the day, like my husband laying on the couch all day long watching college basketball, but nothing major. In fact, looking back, I had a good day: I woke up in the morning around 9. The weather was perfect outside so I found a cusion and got comfortable on a chair in the back yard and read my book. As the day progressed I enjoyed and nice breakfast (fresh grapefruit from the tree) and proceeded to keep myself busy. Thoughout the day I kept busy doing several loads of laundry, picking up and dusting the house, and even doing some raking of weeds in the back yard (although this didn't last long as I realized it added strain to my lower abdomin). I was even able to relax some more through the day and actually finish my book. Yes, it was a great day.
But something happened...around 4:30 or 5:00 I looked at my husband in the couch, I can't even remember if he asked me a question or even said anything. All I remember is I felt the emotions rushing in. As the tears started he asked me what was wrong (out of genuine concern I am sure). I responded to his question by reporting, "I'm just bored," and then the tears flowed. And they flowed, and they flowed! Actually, for the rest of the evening those tears were triggered easily and often reappeared.
Lovely, ahh, the joys of increased hormonal changes! How long does this last?

Cracks

The funniest thing the other day: We were over at some friends' house and their 5 year old was talking with me. Her mom told her, "Becca has a baby in her bellly." The little girl then took my hand and asked me if we could take it out right now. Her mom and I laughed and told her the baby wasn't ready yet. Then her mom said, "her belly has to get much bigger. Remember when my belly was really big?" (She has two younger siblings). The little girl thought for a minute, then ask me, "do you have cracks?" Not sure what she meant I asked a her to explain. She proceeded to comment about her mommy's "cracks" on her belly. Her mom and I both were amused as we realized she was referring to her mom's strectch marks!

Oh joy...well I don't have any "cracks" yet, but I imagine there is still plenty of time for them to come. :)

Sick and tired of being sick!

Why is it that someone with a relatively great immune system has been sick for a good portion of this pregnancy?! And I'm not talking about morning sickness...Started off the pregancy with bronchitis and now am trying to get over my second cold...this is crazy! Isn't this the time in one's pregnancy they should be getting the most sleep? I am waking up almost every hour and I know it will only get worse (my ability to sleep that is) do to being uncomfortable and then having a new baby. I just want to sleep now!

Babies R Us

Babies R Us...let me just say, prepare yourself before enterin! It probably doesn't help that our Babies R Us here is the Superstore so it's 2-3 times bigger than normal stores. I've been in this store a few times by this point but it's so overwhelming every time I even enter. Where does one even start? I figured that before going I actually have to have a mission otherwise I will get lost, feel overwhelmed and leave. 1st mission - Bio-Oil, 2nd mission - get an idea of bedding to try to figure out colors for a nursery, 3rd mission - just look (I left exhausted), 4th mission - take husband to look at cribs. The funny thing, by the time I'd gone in a 4th time with my husband to look at cribs, I was ready to venture into other isles and look at other items like car seats and strollers. But my husband was definately not in the same state of mind. Just walking into the store was like going into a foreign country, and once we looked at cribs, he was ready to move on to the next site. Odd thing happened this day; we went into several different stores to get a good idea of cribs and what we wanted. By the last store we were both pretty exhausted and honestly my feet hurt so bad i was ready to go. But my husband was on a mission, let's do as much looking as possible. Well, I think his mission changed a little, or included some sort of detour becasue we entered Sears in th tool section and low and behold looked longer at power tools and table saws than we did at cribs while we were there. I guess I will have to prep him for car seat searching like I did for crib searching. :)

Crib conclusion: crib shopping in stores was a great way to get a "good idea" of what we wanted. That coupled with a wonderful mother-in-law who did some research on Consumer Reports, and a lot of internet searching on my end equaled a crib purchase on amazon.com

Ahh one task down, how many more to go...?

Good bye coco butter

Stretch marks, I hear they are inevitable so I am anticipating. Actually  I was anticipating strech marks long before I become pregnant. In fact, as my own little (non-pregnant) gut gathered around my middle like a small innertube I always reminded myself, "it will pay off one day, when I won't need to stretch so far, I'm just preparing."

Once I became pregnant Coco-Butter seemed to be the new theme; coco-butter creme, lotion, paste, etc. Well after a few weeks of rubbing my breasts and belly with coco-butter, I realized the smell was just not settling with me well. Besides, it seemed a little on the thick side. My good friend suggested by-passing coco-butter altogher and use oil. She recommended Bio-Oil, which I too now recommend. It has a much gentle smell, plus is lighter feeling. So religiously, every morning after I shower on goes the Bio-Oil; on the breasts, belly, hips, and don't forget the lower back. Will it elliviate stretch marks? Probably not altogether but I am hopeful that it will help keep them to a minimum. Either way there are still benefits; I have already noticed a lightening in a scar that I have, plus my skin feels softer and the scent is far more soothing and relaxing that coco-butter. Check it out, Bio-Oil. I found my bottle at Babies R' Us but I believe you can get it a health food store as well.

* Speaking of breasts; I just ran accross a great promotional deal (through one of the many emails I now seem to receive), go check it out. http://www.uddercovers.com/ You can purchase colorful breast feeding covers. Once on the payment page type in Family2010  when they ask for a promo code and you get $32.00 off. Basically the full price of the cover, you just pay for shipping. Check it out.

Who designed maternity clothes...seriously?!

All I have to say is, thank God my sister went before me and passed down her maternity clothes. Not only did she save me money (which really isn't the point) but she saved me time and a lot of humiliation!

No one likes standing in front of a mirror in a store's dressing room anyway, let alone someone with a growing belly trying on maternity clothes. My first experience was actually right before Christmas. I decided I wanted to be more comfortable at work and not that I was truly "showing" yet, but I was feeling the tug around my belly button area in many of my work shirts. So I ventured out one morning to discover a very limited selection of maternity clothes, let alone good ones. After a depressing walk through Kohls and Target, I came home with three shirts and a headache. My goodness. A woman who is newly pregnant, even though excited, doesn't really want to magnify her slowly changing body. Not only was the maternity section all of about 3 racks, but it was next to the athletic wear and the plus sizes. Not to mention the lack of style and design. I will be the first to admit, I am not a high maintenace girl, but I like to look nice, and in essessence need to dress nice for work. Whoever designed the majority of maternity clothes, was not thinking "working women," they were thinking soap operas and couch potatoes...let's just add to their growing discomfort by dressing them in hidious clothing. On that note I will say, yes there are some decent maternity clothes, and really my sister already picked them out. So thank you. Actually if you are willing to spend some money (not a lot) and actually pay near full price, there are some okay maternity clothes that look nice. I just have a hard time paying full price for clothes that I will only wear 6+ months. Well, actually I have a difficult time paying full price for "regular" clothes too.

I  have since ventured out to find a few more thing to add to what my sister is letting me borrow. I actually ran into maternity lingerie believe it or not, and it was baby girl/boy pick and blue that only my grandmother wore. Check it out. I found it at Burlington called Baby Phat some actual cute top and underwear. Of course I didn't try them on, for fear of the mirrors. Maybe I'll go back after my husband tells me again that he thinks my prego belly is a little sexy, just then I might have the courage.

The best invention for pregnant women...

The BELLY BAND! I swore that by Christmas time that I would have to pack up all my nice work pants and give them to my mom to wear. But I'm still wearing them, thanks to the belly band. I may only be able to zip them up part way, and there is no way they would ever button at this point, but no one would ever know! The key, wear a long shirt, and preferably one that doesn't show the uneven lumps somewhat disguised under the band. My friend at work the other day went to touch my belly (what is it about people wanting to rub your belly?!) and pretty much rubbed over my covered lumps from my pants. I didn't say anything! The second best thing about the belly band besides extending the life of you favorite pants...it actually makes your belly look more round, more round and less akward fat. Since I am at the stage where my once little "pooch" is being extended now by my somewhat "hardening" baby belly, the band actually makes it look more like a cute little pregnant belly other than the "is she pregnant or just fat" belly. Still afraid of the "naked in the mirrow" look, but I suppose that may some day end, at least I hope.

Prego books for husbands

My husband is not a reader. He might say he is, but reading signs, short newspaper articles, captions that go with pictures, and the Cabela's catalogs do not count. So when I got pregnant and was handed two large books full of weekly and monthly updates for momma-to-be, I knew there was no way my husband would ever pick one up. I thought, how do I get him to read these with out straight out asking him. I tried laying them in places he would look, on the coffee table on the dresser, on the bathroom counter, but with no success.

For Christmas we surprised our families by sharing our great news and I wanted to put something in his stocking that would encourage him to at least gain some knowledge of what is going on inside my body. Looking for an informational book for a man (who does not read) is a little discouraging. There are books for daddys-to-be that are jsut as fat as the books I have, but I knew it would only collect dust, so I kept searching. Finally I found it, the perfect, yes, book! "My Boys Can Swim" by Ian Davis. A small book (it fit in a stocking) that is less than 100 pages and is written by a man, for a man.

This book sits in my living room collecting dust, not really to my surprise. The other day I can out from another room and caught my husband reading it! It was great. I think he's only made it through the Introduction but he doesn't have too much farther to go, just three more chapters: The First Trimester, The Second Trimester and The Third Trimester. Of course I read it in two sittings and found it hillarious. My hope for my husband is that he finishes it before the baby comes!

Pregnancy Info Overload

I am a reader but when it comes to pregnancy books and internet sites, when do you stop? There are so many "week by week" books out there. And far too many web sites to monitor, follow and read about what's going on with the baby, with the mom, how to prepare, what you need, etc. It becomes a little overwhelming. What should I read? When do I stop looking?

That is the question really, isn't it? We all feel differently when it comes to all the pregnancy information that is out there. This is a good thing, if we all felt exactly the same, I think that would be a little weird. But here is a little food for thought...my thoughts: I must be in research mode, because I find myself drawn to information. Yes, it is a lot, and yes it is overwhelming (I think the internet is more overwheleming than anything as whereever you look, there is always something else to look at), but I think some of it is so important. When I think of the actual labor part, I have the same or similar thought that many have; so many thousands of woman of gone before me, I too can do this too, I don't need to read about it. I find it encouraging, yes, that I am not the first woman to ever conceive and have a baby, I could only imagine what she thought! Even though I am not the first, and I am one of millions, I think it is important to gather some knowledge of what it going on. If not for anything else but to recognize that I am different, and our world if different today. Let me step up on my soap box for a minute: What my mother went through and what she was told when she was pregnant is very different than what my grandmother went through and what she was told. Which in essence is different than what our generation is being told. Thus the beauty of ongoing research. There are things that we, in our generation, are being told that we should not eat/drink while being pregnant that were second thoughts to our mother's generation. Not because they were naive, but because the research wasn't necessarily out there, or because the world was different. I often wonder what our daughters will be told when they are grown up and are pregnant and what will be different. The air is different, they way foods are processed, or not processed is different, etc. Not that I believe you necessarily need to surround and overload yourself with information, because, yes, woman have gone before us, and they too have survived. But it is absolutely facinating the information that is out there. To know what is developing inside of you each day and how our own bodies are changing. Yes, each pregnancy is individual, and our bodies will all look and respond to pregnancy differently, but I feel it is good to know (at least for myself) to know what I am missing (like the blessing of morning sickness that never entered my home) or to know what is coming so I can be prepared (if I am having "I feel fat days" now, wait until my hips start to really expand). Although I have always enjoyed to read (although seldom had the time), the idea of reading research and science type information never really facinated me. Although now, I have a different perspective (I am sure my research in college days have a little something to do with this).

So do I think we need to read every book and visit every web site for information, no. But I think to some degree, new, current information is important. My most recent find (not on the internet actually) is a book recomended by a good friend of mine in Montana. She is currently prego with her second child and has been a certified yoga instructor for years. She is my yoga guru when I have questions, especially about yoga when my own doctor says, "yes you can do yoga, just listen to your own body" and my instructor tells me there are yoga positions that I cannot do. The book she recommended is called, "Maternal Fitness" (I think there might actually be a DVD out there, but I like the book thing) by Julie Tupler, R.N. I just received it in the mail a couple of days ago and have been impressed so far as to what I have read. The book is all about preparing yourself for pregnancy, labor, delivery, and thereafter. There are specific muscles to work (transversus muscles and others) that actually will help when delivering. It talks about breathing techniques beyond what the prenatal classes teach and how most doctor's and hosptials make delivery a routine rather than allowing the woman to be the director of her delivery. It also talks about how these exercises and stretches not only benefit the woman for delivery, but benefit both the woman and her husband after a baby is born so that sex is still enjoyable. :) Check it out, at least your husband will be thankful.

How it all got started

Each month became a new frustration. I didn't want to say anything, yet at the same time I didn't want to be alone. I'd heard every suggestion and story from: lay on your back with your legs in the air, stand on your head, don't move for 15-20 mintues, you have to wait until you've been off birth control for a year, maybe you're too stressed, we waited 5 years, 10 years, adopt, just wait, be PATIENT. So much advice and stories came my direction I think it only added to my frustrations. Until one day someone mentioned a book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler.

Once this book landed on my doorstep I couldn't put it down. My whole perspective of fertility and conception quickly changed. This book seemed to give me a fresh start, a realistic picture not only of conception and how difficult is truly can be, but an honest picture of what it means to be female. If you've haven't heard the Vagina Monologs, that's your first step, but Taking Charge of Your Fertility is the next. In a few short hours of reading, I learned more about my body and my abilities of being a woman than I had ever even come close to taking sex ed. Not only was I facinated by learning more about my body, but I was reminded of the complexity of a God who created me.

The book is worth reading, whether you are trying to conceive, wanting a fool proof birth control, just entering puberty, beginning menopause, or are simply a woman.