Patiently Waiting: September 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

Some days I wish our path was already outlined for us and we didn't have to choose...

...but then I suppose life would simply be a stage full of puppets on a string. I am thankful to not be a puppet, but sometimes...really, I'd rather just be shown the way than guess and hope and pray I made the right choice.

It's been nearly six months since we made the big transition back north. Do we love it, yes. Have we gotten to see and spend time with family, yes. Have we reconnected with some friends, yes. Are we happy? Hmm, I suppose that is the question of the year. When making the decision to pack our house and move a thousand plus miles north, we asked for open and closed doors. We asked for some clarity, and some comfort. So what appeared as open and closed doors, and what felt like clarity, is getting a little muddied for the lack of comfort that we are feeling.

I am in the stage where I want to work (really only part time of course), but I feel like I am hitting all the walls...waiting for the right door to open, if you will. HELLO! And Tim is still just waiting. Waiting with an uncertainty and a dark cloud over his head. His job is still only "temporary" which we knew going into this whole thing. Although, I will say now, that "temporary" is so much harder of a state to be IN than to think about being in. At this point, I think weekly if not daily, Tim is questioning whether we made the right decision. We both had jobs that we enjoyed if not loved, not to mention, were somewhat at a decent pay rate. Yet, we had no family (although we really were beginning to establish some great friendships). And here, neither of us have "steady" jobs (well I can't even seem to land one) and the pay scale...yikes! Ahh, but we do have family.

Family...thus the basis of our move, and now the reason in which we continually remind ourselves that we are here. And family really does make us happy.

But what now?! Monday Tim leaves to work out of town for the week, which could turn into months. And I am still home full time (with the most wonderful 14 month old little guy) searching to find my nitch. Hmmm, has anything really changed?

Patience

When I was growing up, God always seemed to find ways in which He was trying to teach me patience. Just when I think I had mastered the virtue I toppled down hill back to wondering, "I thought I'd figured out patience a long time ago." I guess not, because patience is something that I long to have, yet always seem to be striving for. I think it's His way of making sure I don't forget Him, pretty good strategy if you ask me.

Patience continues to be a virture I strive towards, ultimately knowing I will never fully attain it, but that I will be exposed to pieces of it. My patience continues to be tested, more specifically over the past year or so, wondering, praying, when is it my turn, will it ever be my turn to be a parent. Most recently I struggled with this question. On October 21, 2009 I was flying to Spokane to spend time with my family when I journaled about my wanting to be a parent and trying to avoid the idea that my time is not always His timing. After just over a year of trying to conceive, patience seems to become blinded by frustration, saddness and even a little anger. I expressed these feeling in my journal, yet still found the voice inside of me to be patient. The next morning after dropping my nephew off at daycare, my patience was rewarded. Not just one, but two pregnancy tests came back with a + sign. I was ellated, and thosands of miles and an entire week away from my husband.

I like to express myself through writing and words so I've decided to write my thoughts down and share them with other. This blog is primarily for me, to share my journey through pregnancy, that I ohh so patiently waited and prayed for.