Going from working full time (usually more than 40 hours a week) to a full time mom has certainly had it's challenges, to say the least. Actually, I am scheduled to return to work (though just 2 days a week) the first week of November and of course that brings on a mix of emotions.
I recall back when I was in high school/college and began nannying part time for a family with one small child, both parents worked full time. The second child arrived soon thereafter. The mom took little time off work and returned back to her full work schedule while the baby was still so little. I couldn't imagine this and questioned why one would do this, certainly because I knew her husband had a very lucrative job; so I had a conversation about it. It was explained to me that she was a very independent woman and wanted to be able to assure herself that she could maintain herself and her family financially if something were to happen to her husband. At the time I didn't understand this concept, thinking a marriage is not two people working individually but two people who in essance have become one. So why was she working. Although I don't fully understand her entire rational, I have a better understanding of why.
I too am in a position where I could stay home full time (which I have done now for three months), so why am I choosing at four months to return to work, even if it means only part time? I think there are a few different reasons:
1. I have that independent nature about me and I think to myself; I worked hard to get where I am at and it makes me feel good to do the work that I do.
2. A little "adult conversation" would probably do me some good.
3. I want to contiue to further my career that I am passionate about.
4. Plus, there is this small voice in my head asking about my paycheck; what am I contributing finacially to my family.
So perhaps these are silly reasons, but they are mine, for now. Don't get me wrong, as exhausting as it has been being a stay at home mom, I have loved it. I love each moment that I get with my son. I don't want to miss our "breakfast conversations" and I don't want to miss his toothless grin he gives me just after he's finished eating. Those things alone are enough to keep me motivated to stay home, but there is something else, something inside seems to be yearning for something and I am betting that it's that gosh darn independent streak of mine!
Being home is so rewarding, yet exhausting. I now understand why my own mother never really "sits down" simply to relax...there is no such thing! I have found that there is always something to do. Not that there are really any new household chores (other than perhaps a few extra loads of laundry) than before I had my son, and they were completed when I was working full time; but there is something about putting them off until he goes to bed. Yeah, sure, I vacuum and dust occassionally during the day, usually during nap time. And I have managed to keep my house relatively in order (at least I think I meet the minimal standards), but why does it seem as though there is always more...? As much as I told myself I don't need to be "supermom," I think that is what I am becoming. For three weeks in a row (I know not a real long time), I have managed to, of course take care of my son, keep my house clean, and actually have dinner nearly completed all before my husband arrives home from work. The dinner thing has always been my weakness (even before a child), but I have come to realize that the hour between the time my husband gets home and we start bathing and putting my son to bed, it is a small amount of time that I can at least hand the baby over so they can play (gone are the days I think of waiting until my husband comes home to make dinner for me because I am so exhausted). My son is definitely turning into a "momma's boy" (which makes sense since we are home all day long together, even weekends are often just the two of us) but it makes me a little sad, I think my husband might be feeling it too. When he tries to give our son a bath, there is a lot of crying. I am not sure if I should intervene or not, but it is so hard to hear him cry. So my point is, if I can have dinner ready, I will so they can have more "bonding time."
Through all of this I am learning to count my blessings. My husband is grateful, is a good provider, and he is good about letting me know he is appreciative of me. But I cannot help but feeling a little guilty that I am not contributing at all to our family (financially that is). Yes, I know I am contributing, and do quite a bit, but it still feels like something is missing. For example, a couple of weeks ago we went shopping so that I could buy some jeans (I am tired of wearing elastic wasted clothes and have nothing that I previously wore that fits). Our shopping trip was successful and I came out with four new pairs of pants (yes, I can finally feel good about myself again and wear some real clothes!). Then just yesterday I ventured back to the store; I figured it was time to retire the "granny panties" that I wore throughout my pregnancy. Not that I am a big spender, nor am I a big shopper, but it almost felt odd that I was back at the store buying more clothings items for me...and with what finances? I know, I know, I am married and our monies are not separated. In fact my husband dislikes it whenever I bring up money issues suggesting that he makes all the money, or that he makes more than me with less schooling, etc. But I just cannot help but feeling my lack of financial contribution. I wonder how I shake this? Going back to work part time I know isn't the answer, in fact my main purposes of returning are really moreso for a little "sanity" and to contiue furthering my career (I am tyring to collect hours to become licenced; but that is another story) not for financial gain (my paycheck will perhaps cover daycare costs).
So I am wondering; are there other means? Do I need to retrain my thinking? How do I shake this independent nature that I developed over time? And how do I get a pay check for all the hard work I do at home? If any one can figure out how the government can start paying stay at home moms for their contributions to well rounded children and families, let me know.
