Oh the highs and lows of feedings! For two months I breastfed exclusively.
No one tells you just how isolating breastfeeding is until you are in it. You are the only one who can feed and satisfy your baby. When baby cries, you are most likely the only one who can console him by feeding him. Feedings can take place anywhere in your home, but once company comes over you tend to cover yourself or hide away in the back room. Feedings in public are so akward that it's hard to calm down enough for baby to even get comfortable enough to get any milk. Yet at the same time, I wouldn't have chosen any other way. I am the only one who can feed and satisfy my baby, and this is an honor. There is an interdepedance that takes place; baby NEEDS momma and momma NEEDS baby. On occassion my little guy will look up and give me the best smile. Each momemt I get with him are treasured and precious. I can feed my baby in public, anywhere, and don't have to worry about bottles and whether or not I brought enough milk with us.
As much as I had grown this love-hate relationship with breastfeeding, I thought at some point we do need to learn to eat from a bottle (momma will be going back to work some day), plus if we can eat from a bottle, maybe daddy can help out a little more with those evening or weekend feedings so momma can get a break. So a few weeks ago we tried it; I was ready to hand over some of the responsibility. Daddy was ready too, to help out and feed his son. But baby was not ready...he cried so hard and refused to take the bottle (which was pumped breast milk) that I had to pick him up and put him back on the breast to feed him. As I sat there feeding my son, a sense of relief passed over me, not one that I thought would have. Wow, this child REALLY needs me...I want to be able to provide for him. But a second thought followed; wow, I am stuck, it looks as though there is no "mommy alone time" in the near future, yikes! So we tried it the next day and he sucked down that milk in seconds flat! Baby was happy, daddy was happy, and well, momma....not so sure. For a momemt I realized this child no longer NEEDS me, someone else can feed him. It actually took me a few days to be okay with this. For wanting help for so long, all of a sudden I didn't want help anymore! This means that our total dependance on one another is no longer.
Needless to say, a bottle was successful, but the amount of pumped milk it takes for one bottle is not worth the "nightly" feedings I had once imagined. Besides, I am okay with those nightly feedings now...becasue I know that one day they will be gone, and one day someone else can "help" feed my baby, I will no longer be "needed." Plus, the little smiles, giggles, and looks I get, make it all worth it!
